A Year Ago Today

A year ago today I was moving from my most beloved Goat Farm. 

It was unexpected, unplanned and unwanted. 

I loved living on the Farm. I loved loved loved it. 

And it ended before I was read to leave.

Worse yet, the job that I had planned to take 

(I worked as a tutor) 

was no longer waiting for me due to lower than expected enrollment.

I felt Crushed. Destroyed. Hopeless.

My best laid plans all seemed to be slipping away. 

I couldn't understand why.

I was so wholly discouraged.

I gratefully had faithful friends that took pity on me.

I ate meals with these people.

Took walks.

Listened.

And leaned on them.

And then I started to believe that it would be okay.

I can remember going to a BBQ and seeing an old friend.

He gave me a hug and asked how I was.

I blurted out that nothing was going as planned.

That I couldn't figure anything out.

That I didn't know what to do next.

He smiled kindly and said 

"It's going to be okay. Don't forget to enjoy where you are."

And then kissed the top of my head.

My dearest mentor reminded me constantly

I WOULD BE ALRIGHT.

 And I am.
My sister and a very close friend came over today,

and I reflected how life seemed to be falling apart a year ago...

but that this last year has been one of the best of my life.

I am more human because of it.

I am better because of it.

And I am thankful.

A special thank you to all my friends who watched me: 

moan, groan or complain last year. You are dear to me.

Beautifully Broken Communcation

For the past three years I've been meeting with my mentor at least once a week. Sandi greatly encourages and empowers me. One of the really life-changing things I've grown in is communication. Before meeting with Sandi, I frequently was unable to communicate what I needed or wanted from people who loved me, and would have provided those things for me. I was very passive in my communication. I despised conflict, and sought to avoid it whenever possible (slash all the time.) I was passive aggressive  Mostly, this occurred because I didn't have good conflict resolution skills. I can't say I'm perfect, and I don't think I'll ever be perfect. But friends, I can say I've grown. GROWN!!

I'll give you two examples. Both deal with my brother Uriah. Who, really is pretty cool.

Last week I had a rough day. I came home feeling overwhelmed and decided I needed to finish something. Completing a project gives me back a sense of control and restores my confidence in myself. I find it to be helpful when I feel like there is a never ending pile of ------- to find something that I can see through to completion. I had really wanted to put new hooks up in the bathroom for our towels. So I got the hooks and started the project. But the project wasn't going well. I needed some help. So I asked Uriah if he would be able and willing to help me by screwing the hooks onto a board. Uriah looked at the situation and thought for a moment and agreed. I communicated that I needed to know when he would be finished. He said "I'll be done within a week. I think I can fit it in tomorrow or the next day." This thrilled me. In the past, I would have passively said something about it being really difficult. I would have been annoyed that nobody was helping me. I would have felt like people weren't noticing my need. Doubtless, the thought would have crossed my mind "Do they even care?!" Not this time. The new hooks are up and it's good!!

Yesterday I had a number of things I needed to attend to before departing for work. As I was racing to my room to do some homework Uriah asked me if I could look at something. At that moment I knew I didn't have time. Rather than saying no I said it needed to be fast. We went and looked at this.

But Uriah didn't want to just show it to me, he wanted a discussion. I felt pushed for time. He asked me a question. I answered. He disagreed with me. I put forth the argument that Brave had been sexualized. Look at her face! Her dress. Her waist. Her bust. Her collar line. Uriah pushed back with something like:
Well I've seen you wear shirts that have lower collar lines. So are you saying that all clothing must have the same collar line?
I was annoyed. I didn't feel like I was being listened to at all. I felt like Uriah was trying to trap me in my words. That's crazy! Every collar the SAME! Never. I responded with something like:
Of course that's what I'm saying. Every collar should be the same. The EXACT same. Yes yes. That's it.
Then I walked away.
Uriah followed me asking me if I was upset. I was able to talk with him a little more. We parted ways. I left the conversation where it was. I was done enough.

But then on my lunch break yesterday, as I was enjoying the waves and the sun and breeze, I thought about these two events. The towel rack and Brave. And the contrast was pretty clear.

With the towel rack I'd been able to communicate clearly. With Brave not so much... I asked myself what happened. And a few things came up.

First, I shouldn't have been in the conversation to begin with. I needed to tell Uriah I didn't have time - and postpone.
Second, I didn't feel listened to or that Uriah was hearing what I was saying. I should have stopped and said that. ie. " Uriah, I don't feel like you're listening to what I'm saying. It feels like you have already come to a conclusion and you don't want to hear my words."
Third, if I continued to feel like my words were not being heard, I should have said something to the effect of: "This is a conversation that we need to revisit because, I unfortunately, do not have time to complete it right now. Can we agree to revisit it tomorrow, Sunday etc.?"

I didn't. But here's a wonderful thing. I am beautifully broken. So is my communication. And Uriah gives me space for that. He lets me come back and try a take two. He gives grace when I just don't get it right. He acknowledges that I'm growing and working on this. He forgives. And so, I stand without shame, brokenly communicating. Failing, trying again. Growing. Becoming more beautiful.

The Middle of Week 14

This week I've done things I'd never before done.

I complained.

Like to the Chair of a Department at SCHOOL.

And I took a school week night off.

And watched a movie and didn't do homework.

And I fell in love again - with dashes and fragmented sentences.

Powerful love.

Over the weekend I read a really great article about being a committed complainer. 

It made me realize how often I'm willing to complain without doing anything about it. 

I don't want to be that type of complainer. 

I know venting is important. I get that. 

But I also know that sometimes I really need to do something about a situation. 

Instead, I complain and it makes me feel a little better. 

Then I don't do what actually should have happened. 

I want to grow in that area of my life. 

I want to be more proactive and less knit-picky.

I also saw The Great Gatsby. Which I loved.

Really.

It's beautiful.

Not everyone in the group I went with loved though.

So be ye warned.

Better to love whether you win or lose or die

Talking in my lab class today with my lab partner I shared about my oldest niece and the close relationship I have with her - due in part to the fact that her father died shortly after she was born and she spent some of her early years living near me (or even sharing a bedroom with me.)
The response, which is so natural, was that my luck isn't very good. In a way it's totally true. My eldest sister lost her first (and always beloved) husband Joey, and my twin sister lost her daughter (and always cherished) Abbigayle. Death is awful. It hurts.

But I was thinking about things I do have.
Two brothers I enjoy.
Two sisters that are supportive.
Parents that are still married to one another and like me. A lot.
Nephews that number four.
Nieces that number eight.
Two brother-in-laws that care about my sisters.
A sister-in-law that is absolutely wonderful.

One of my favorite bands has a line in it that goes "better to love whether you win or lose or die."
And I believe that. One day my body will return to the ground like Joey and Abbigayle's did - and it's better for me to love.

Angry People

On my way to the beach to relax between class and work

(usually it's homework hour but NOT today!)

I stopped for four people crossing the road.

It was the right thing to do.

I looked in my rear view mirror in time to see the guy

behind me pitch a temper fit.

He threw his hands up in the air and got his face red yelling at me

(and the pedestrians?)

I thought it was ridiculous.

 

Why use up energy to get mad like that?

Who does that?! It's just such a waste.

As I continued driving I saw him speed past a line of cars

and swerve to get ahead... For what?

 

In the end when we parted paths he was one whole car ahead of me.

He turned and faded from view and I thought of the times in my life

when there have been things that I cannot control and I lose it.

Someone lets me down, slows me down, brings me down,

so I get angry, throw a fit, worry and fret, for what?!

It's never fixed the problem yet.

 

I want to be the sort of person who loves people.

Who is gracious to people.

And I'm not yet. But may that day draw ever closer!

I wait and I hope.

Love Wins

This week - my Spring Break Week - has been full.

Filled up with deep conversation.

And connection.

I'm reminded of something.

Love Wins.

My love book shelf. Because I forget.

The Start of Week Five

It is late, and I am tired. But I wanted to write.

My heart is heavy and sad.

I am broken.

I weep, crying without tears.

The God I'm learning to know is big enough for that.

Sorrow, pain and brokenness is all around me.

Is all inside me.

And so I gaze out into the ocean side to find peace.

And believe that peace and joy will come in the morning.

And I finish another day, trusting that I am completing 

the tasks set out for ME to accomplish.

And I hug and snuggle this little girl.

Being an Auntie.

Seeing joy.

And I sleep. Asking for peaceful healing dreams.

And I believe.

"But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you." Psalm 39:7

"You turned my wailing into dancing; 

your removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy." Psalm 30:11

The Sun Is Out: I am Happy

I have a love/hate relationship with the time change.

When my alarm went off this morning at 6:45am, 

and I did not like it at all.

When the sun was out at 6:30pm,

I loved it.

Week One! (of sixteen)

 First day of school. I put on my Christy shirt and my Alison hat.

Went to class feeling loved.

I spent the most on books for this semester than I have ever before.

And I'm taking fewer classes!!!

Over $500 - and I only bought one new!

But this is the cost of learning. And it's worth it.

(I know it's going to go up when I transfer...)

This is my face when I finished at the end of the week.

That's right! One week down fifteen to go.

I CAN DO THIS!!!

And also, I'm totally in love with my chickens. Isn't this girl cute!

School Starts Tomorrow! My Heart is Happy. And You Are Priceless.

School is starting tomorrow, and inevitably that makes my mind swirl around what I learned last semester.

I also just finished a book called

"Condoleezza Rice: A Memoir of My Extraordinary, Ordinary Family and Me".

Even if you don't agree with Condoleezza's political view point,

she is a mixed bag full of radical ideas if you fit strongly in the Republican or Democratic party,

her book is a MUST READ. I was moved to (nearly) tears in the first 16 chapters.

She describes in such an accessible way the amazing suffering and triumphs black people

experienced in the South during the 1950's and 60's. It was beautiful and I'm thankful

for my friend Katy Cummings for hosting a book club over a year ago which

caused me to purchase the book. It sat on my shelf and moved twice with me before

I got around to reading it. But I devoured it once the first page was opened.

Seriously, I think you should read it.

Today while talking to a few friends I was reminded of our

temptation to place value on people I remember a book

I read while in high school called "You are Special" by Max Lucado.

But I also remembered a conversation I had with my awesome brother Uriah a number

of months ago. During the conversation he said something so profound I wrote it down.

"Commodification assigns values to the objects that you've turned people

into based on the assets and liabilities that you assign them.

It's one step further in the dehumanizing or divorcing of humans from reality.

We cannot assign a value on persons, because we are priceless."  

That's the final thought of the day.

You are beyond quantifiable value.

You are priceless!

My Room!!

Happy me, home from work getting my room set up.
It was 12am!

Window & Door Casing plus Baseboard
will be coming soon.

This ladder has been so useful!

Isn't that bench beautiful?! My sister a friend made it for me.
I love it. Redwood chainsaw cut from a friends own tree.

My little dresser. (Gift from Mom.)

Bookshelves need some order -
and they'll get it.

An enormous thanks for Sandi Stovall who helped me with the final mile of 

getting the floor in and walls textured/painted. 

It looks so nice now. 

I can't wait to finish a few details - 

but it seriously feels like it's "mine" now. 

It's cozy and warm and happy too. 

The Children of Men

***From the Past***

I just finished reading it. And my mind is still swirling around - slowly settling.

 I loved the book. 

The words, the images used - beautiful. 

I remember thinking that the book was a little overly 

emotional and introspective in the first chapters.

Wikipedia has more to say about it than I...

Bees Part 3

Well, the bees ended up leaving during the winter. They probably died or something like that. I thought about bees still - but my deep desire to have them wasn't as strong as it had been.
Until... one day I was talking to my friend. Her son had just started catching bee swarms and was really getting into the whole beekeeping thing. My heart leaped! How amazingly fantastic. I was just a little bit jealous.
A few weeks later I saw the same son at a concert. Fernando Ortega. The concert was really good too. During the conversation I had with the son (who is a friend) my passion for bees returned. I knew - knew - knew I wanted to have some at my home.
And so he brought over a swarm and I fed them. And loved them. And then it was over. We found out later that we had over-fed those stinkers. Lesson learned.
Next time I get a swarm. I'll be ready.

Gypsy Child

It has been so cold lately that I've started 
wrapping a scarf around my head. You would not believe how warm it keeps me... 
and it also prevents frizz in the morning! In addition to the practical goodness of scarf wrapping, 
it also makes me feel majorly connected to my gypsy roots. Do I hear someone saying I don't have any? 
Please - just look at that scarf!

Adorable Keziah
sitting on my couch!!

Jumbly Thoughts

My thoughts have all been in a jumble.

It's difficult to pin-point the reasons why...

 But I think my space being in a jumble just might be the reason.

I'm getting a lot of work done on my room. 

Here are a few pictures.

My messy bedroom with everything out of order! 

One wall taped! Texture to come soon.

Christmas gift... and more taping!

My closet and desk and bookshelf...