I'll give you two examples. Both deal with my brother Uriah. Who, really is pretty cool.
Last week I had a rough day. I came home feeling overwhelmed and decided I needed to finish something. Completing a project gives me back a sense of control and restores my confidence in myself. I find it to be helpful when I feel like there is a never ending pile of ------- to find something that I can see through to completion. I had really wanted to put new hooks up in the bathroom for our towels. So I got the hooks and started the project. But the project wasn't going well. I needed some help. So I asked Uriah if he would be able and willing to help me by screwing the hooks onto a board. Uriah looked at the situation and thought for a moment and agreed. I communicated that I needed to know when he would be finished. He said "I'll be done within a week. I think I can fit it in tomorrow or the next day." This thrilled me. In the past, I would have passively said something about it being really difficult. I would have been annoyed that nobody was helping me. I would have felt like people weren't noticing my need. Doubtless, the thought would have crossed my mind "Do they even care?!" Not this time. The new hooks are up and it's good!!
Yesterday I had a number of things I needed to attend to before departing for work. As I was racing to my room to do some homework Uriah asked me if I could look at something. At that moment I knew I didn't have time. Rather than saying no I said it needed to be fast. We went and looked at this.
But Uriah didn't want to just show it to me, he wanted a discussion. I felt pushed for time. He asked me a question. I answered. He disagreed with me. I put forth the argument that Brave had been sexualized. Look at her face! Her dress. Her waist. Her bust. Her collar line. Uriah pushed back with something like:
Well I've seen you wear shirts that have lower collar lines. So are you saying that all clothing must have the same collar line?
I was annoyed. I didn't feel like I was being listened to at all. I felt like Uriah was trying to trap me in my words. That's crazy! Every collar the SAME! Never. I responded with something like:
Of course that's what I'm saying. Every collar should be the same. The EXACT same. Yes yes. That's it.
Then I walked away.
Uriah followed me asking me if I was upset. I was able to talk with him a little more. We parted ways. I left the conversation where it was. I was done enough.
But then on my lunch break yesterday, as I was enjoying the waves and the sun and breeze, I thought about these two events. The towel rack and Brave. And the contrast was pretty clear.
With the towel rack I'd been able to communicate clearly. With Brave not so much... I asked myself what happened. And a few things came up.
First, I shouldn't have been in the conversation to begin with. I needed to tell Uriah I didn't have time - and postpone.
Second, I didn't feel listened to or that Uriah was hearing what I was saying. I should have stopped and said that. ie. " Uriah, I don't feel like you're listening to what I'm saying. It feels like you have already come to a conclusion and you don't want to hear my words."
Third, if I continued to feel like my words were not being heard, I should have said something to the effect of: "This is a conversation that we need to revisit because, I unfortunately, do not have time to complete it right now. Can we agree to revisit it tomorrow, Sunday etc.?"
I didn't. But here's a wonderful thing. I am beautifully broken. So is my communication. And Uriah gives me space for that. He lets me come back and try a take two. He gives grace when I just don't get it right. He acknowledges that I'm growing and working on this. He forgives. And so, I stand without shame, brokenly communicating. Failing, trying again. Growing. Becoming more beautiful.
